It's in What You Do

The river says,

"I killed a girl today"

She didn't know how to swim.

The montain whispers,

"A man froze away"

He climbed too high.

We find our keys

We think we're

Entitled to open doors

But we fail to read the warning signs

How many times

We ask ourselves

How many fall behind

When the rest follow our paths

Oh, well it does take a certain kind

To draw a line

And cross it.

The stairs say, "he shouldn't have tried"

too old to do such a task.

The vehicle explains, "he shouldn't drive"

when he's had one too many sips from his flask

We tell ourselves we've done it before;

We think it won't matter

If it's one more time

Until that one becomes our last.

When clouds fade

and trees sway,

And breezes are only soft

When those waves

are a part of happy days

and drinking is all good fun

If you have the key don't take advantage

'Cause unlike a cat

with nine lives,

We only have one.

This little piggy went to Best Buy, this little piggy went to Holt, this little piggy bought Uggs, this little piggy went senile.

If being my own person is lame, I'll still do it. They lie to themselves every day when they copy every thing they see in magazines, tv shows, celebrities and richs. You live in Toronto and okay maybe you have two working parents but do you think it is considerate to always put yourself first? When I see the same plastered smiles on the faces that I see in the halls at school I wonder, "have you ever cleaned a dish in your life? Do you ever help out?" Once again, I'm overanalystic. To be honest I don't care what they do. I do care when I'm expected to be the same as everyone else. No matter how strong you try to be or how strong you try to convince yourself to be, you'll still feel the pressure. This generation, I don't know why exactly but, they can't cope with diversity. Frowning at those who wear dark clothes and don't wear cover-up, claiming that people who don't buy the same expensive clothes and material items are "too poor" to get these things. It's a kind of mature thing called choice. I encourage that boys: man up and be your own genuine self. Wear plaid with pink pants or the red hat your grandmother knitted for you when you were twelve. Girls: stop the insecurity, if you have to cover yourself with make-up and expensive clothing how will you ever feel validated by others for who you truly are? You could say, it's their own fault for judging me by what a wear or what I buy but, it doesn't end there. They also expect you to act the same way and go to the same places, they expect that you have abandoned your values aswell and you should prefer getting to know how many drinks it takes to get your girlfriends drunk as opposed to getting to know their personalities.
We all have flaws; flaws are great, amazing. However, this specific topic i've mentioned is not a flaw, it is a way of life. Culture is changing for the worst. Just...keep...going...with...the...flow. Time doesn't heal everything, you losers! At best, you're making the corporate people happy.

DON'T WORRY, WE CAN ALL SLEEP AT NIGHT JUST FINE. As long as you've got your blackberry or iphone under your pillow and your ipad fully charged.

BTW--I DO enjoy knew gadgets, don't get the wrong impression.

Tell Myself Stories

I like to hide in my books. I let myself be completely enveloped by every word I read and lived my life through these fictional characters. Maybe some day I hope I can be them...that maybe I'll wake up to a sunlit room, look in the mirror and see someone else. That someone would make me smile, be sure and confident. THat person would fly through life and intrigue everyone and everyone would want to be my friend or go out with me. But that isn't exactly how it works, I realize. So...what's so bad about living a double life? The half of you is in a fictional world you either create or read off of the thin pages of a ridiculously romantic story. Maybe if I keep the sentiment going and keep believing in it...maybe on day I'll have my own intricate lifestyle. In the grand scheme of things we all have great stories if you see your life as a whole. No, I don't think I'll be alone and depressed. I'll probably still be an analyst but i'll be my own character with my own hidden story. My only wish is that it will be memorable, maybe that I too would be remembered.

Santa, I want the Wholesome ME back...

I've changed too much. Escaping used to be a huge part of my home life, I would dream and be happy. I was naive enough to convince myself to believing these dreams and they kept a steady pulse. I need that magic now more than ever. My imagination is waning but it's still there! I think if I start reading again I can get it going. Books will be my life support. HAH! I don't care if it means I have no life! I just want to get bac kto how I was in grade 4. I want to be ridiculously amused by what I have to offer myself. And maybe it will only take the small things to get it working. All I need is my daydreams and endless hope. Even if it means lying to myself. I need the fantasy back, the hope, the plan, the significance, I want it all back.

I used to be considered tomboyish. I would listen to Avril Lavigne, Sum41, Blink 182, the works! I liked playing video games on PS1 and even though I did wear it sometimes, I didn't like the colour pink. My favourite colour was purple. I had long wavy, brown hair which was much plainer than it is today. I was very chubby, even more than I am now. I hated my body and my life and how I never had a solid group of friends to depend on. All the girls in "the crowd" thought I was weird and some of them teased me. The boys teased me to. I had such a hard time with boys; trying to get along with them, trying to get them to like me and just to be treated like the other girls. But I wasn't treated the same. I don't know why exactly but i wasn't and it sure didn't feel good. I do believe it is the reason why I have trouble with guys and girls today.

It's Funny How Things Turn out to Be...

Update on life:

That guy you had a crush on in grade 4 (grade 5, 6, 7 & 8)
has a girlfriend. For 2-3 years. It seemed impossible two years ago!

That girl who made you cringe from her stare, the one who excluded you, humiliated you and made you insecure?
She's dating a drug-dealer---not even joking!

That dorky boy you thought would never stop badgering you about how much he loves you and wants you: has completely moved on! He goes to a different school and continues to badger some lesser-girl.

That girl who you always admired but never could stay in her life long enough...
She still loves to read, write, dream and hang out with the same crowd of people that you will never manage to be apart of.

That girl bestfriend whom you thought would always be in your life...
You let her go last year and it may be the harder but best decision you made. Why?
Because that girl is sneaking around, hanging out with the wrong people and smoking her way through high school.

This Close to Conformity, This Time.

Once upon a time there lived a pathetic girl who attended a pathetic school and lived somewhere you could say was completely pathetic. Everything she would talk about was nonsense and negative. The way she made herself look maybe people think she was full of nonsense and completely negative. When she would come home after a miserable day at her pathetic school she would yell out nonsense and profanities to her unreasonable adult advisors hired by some hidden anti-anger management club of do-gooders and traditionalists. She left to go to a brilliant camp to supervise commercialistic tweens. This camp was just the lowest form of propoganda. Nobody followed all the promises or truly understood the values they were supposedly 'practicing.' Why? This was because the other supervisers like the pathetic girl, are actually drones! They have no hearts, no values and they eat up every commercial idea fed to them by the media. Sucked into this image, so strong! So brainwashing! Pathetic girl...almost completely lost it. Why? Because she almost gave in to being one of them.

I Can't Describe

Everything I feel, I feel so deeply. It's fascinating. It's always associated with music where I want to soak up all of the emotions and the feel of the songs. Feeling the words and sensing the emotions curved with every note or chord. I can understand that better than everything else.

Except when I listen to his music. When I listen to his music I am overwhelmed by it's complexity but easy-going melody.

Grammar Corrections from a Fictional Male

I'm not just angry as of today.
It's not that kind.
It's the kind of anger that is annoying and eating inside you. Pent up anger that no one could come close to comprehending.
It's the kind of anger that makes me want to say "I hate you" when I know that really isn't the case.
I hate what's become of you and how you pretend to see me. I hate those jokes you use to cover up the truth and reality.
If you want an escape go live with the Mennonites or take acid or drown in music's sweet, bottomless reverie.
Don't talk to me expecting that I'll just let things slide like everything you say is okay and never bothers me.
And don't wear a mask with me because I'm determined to see through it anyways.
Don't talk to me with the intention to be polite but be impolite when you disregard me with pity. It's selfish and sick.
And maybe we shouldn't talk at all.
Because I know these arguments don't show that you care.
They only show me how I've always been, Caring.

What is it worth if it means nothing to you?

It was the Brook Tree

That boy you grew up with...he's not a boy anymore. He's a man.
And now that you're not a little girl either, he sees you differently. He's sees you as an option, full potential. It's more of a confusing case than anything. But just because he's so hard to understand, decipher or get to knowing; don't let him go. No matter how much pain it is, no matter how many times you feel put down or left out. See all of that through because you have an idea. And when you have an idea, it's great and it can expand into something genuinely magnificent! Come now, you have the potential to make things better. You have incredible insight, the stuff that created chairs from trees and wheat into bread. Don't let these silly little barriers get in your way. And if along the way you discover that it only is what you see at face-value then before you quit, you better know you tried.

Dear you,
You're hurting me. There is something on your mind, or some feeling you have that you are keeping from me. This gets in the way. Every time we talk I feel like you're tense and will just shut down any minute. Of course I will end up feeling like i did something wrong. But I didn't, and I'm not. It's just you, and something about you. So what exactly am I to do? We've been friends for this long. Why are you letting me go like this? Why not be there to save it. But no, you don't want to. You couldn't possibly want to take the time out to try and know me. How far behind you'll be in knowing me after a few years. I hope you just remember, It's your choice. And it always has been because you always have the upper hand. I'm sick of you selecting the time of day where I'm "allowed" to talk to you because every other time you do your best to belittle me by saying something incredibly low and vile. Everything is a joke to you. All I ask is that you don't see me as one of your jokes.

Inevitably,
Nat

Just Enough

A Penny for your thought?
Oh, I'm dreaming again
I'm in this scattered out
Fragile space

What's this word,
And this face
Is it pretend?
I need to erase
These skeptic beliefs

Trudging through,
one foot can reach very far
With a little trust
That just skimming by
Is not enough

To...The...Start
Not too foolish
To be, honestly
Completely immersed,
I could be worse
Just so happen to be better than
Just enough

In-depth

Cooooool your jets, Woman.
Jeez, I have to stop caring about what people think. Even if those people seem like they're planted so permanently in my life. In the end it only matters what I think and how I feel about myself. So let these posts make me appear as foolish, but one thing I've come to notice is that they're each the perfect cocktail of hopefulness, honesty and proving how I'm unashamed of who I am as a person. And that means alot to me. It's taken me such a long time to get to where I am now. And no matter how many times on-lookers or "permanent pedestrians" walk down the road of my life telling me that I'm twisting and changing...deep down I'll feel like the same girl who allowed ants to crawl all over her arm. The girl who sang with a tissue in her hand, attempting to clean the walls. The girl who's scared, but not a coward for showing it.

Express yourself.

Jumping to....Collisions!

I've been meaning to post this for a while!

I'll never know who that smile's for, through the camera lens.
And I'll never know what to believe out of what you say
Which thoughts coming from you are sent to me.
When it's all said, specifically
I'm breathing so I'm trying not to care.

I could only hope your regrets are few
Would it be asking for too much
To hope you have none?

Spill no lies from those lips
And think nothing about those dark hours
Cuz they're not yours
They're mine
That's the only thing I won't ever share with you
No, never again

Happy is the word
And it's all that matters for you
A transformation is coming along
with this all
Wrapped up in what we got
Caught up in your words
Tangled in myself
Breathing this
Fully immersed in
Stars
How will I ever forget?

I'm so far in,
that I'm not caring if you'll forget
tomorrow, it's your choice
You'll let me know
If the sparks fly just right
and the planets align
in a universe, we all miss.

Lonely minutes are just fine with me
And late nights and early mornings
Shine a light
Not too far in, no
I'm praying so
Not me again,
Not another fall.
Patience will make the call
The craziness of it all!

Night Raper

Staying up later than I should but it leaves my mind a chance to think freely. Burning the midnight oil for no reason in particular, for no reason of importance. At least there isn't a limit you could possibly exceed, if that were true i'd be saving these nights for hard times when typing up the last pages of an essay or assignment, project or lab report. It makes me wince just thinking about how soon, in just a month, school will win over me. I'll have no choice, and I hate it when I can't choose. Then again, I do appreciate it because it is only for the best and if everything were up to me...it would always be put off to tomorrow. Tomorrow, such a sick comfort! I truly do wish i didn't seek comfort in another day, the future. Funny it being that the long term future scares me to shits. Not knowing is pretty scary, maybe a little risky and depressing. Living in this neighbourhood, so close to my elementary school and the friends I have--or had--during those years of road hockey and water fights. It all seems so ridiculously simple now and our worries then were few. This is why they tell you not to look back, the nostalgia of it all. Missing the past doesn't help you move forward and why waste time at all thinking up the past when you could be planning or doing something in the present. It's a struggle for everyone now. Don't buy yourself another fancy car or tub of ben & jerry's ice cream, don't look at those old photo albums or tiny shorts that you hardly got to wear--they were your favourite! Stop holding onto material things and think! Challenge yourself, exercise your mind for goodness sake. Document it if you will because things are not people, they're not memories. Memories are what you've kept safe in your mind. These things that you've shared, moments and laughs, mix of emotion, that's all you'll ever need to have with someone or of something or some place. Those souvenirs are forgotten and thrown away, these thoughts are what you experienced and thought, in your mind they'll stay. Pictures don't have to justify memories to you what you've experience although the invention is a beautiful thing. But expand your mind like everyone else use to HAVE to. Paint a picture in your mind, furnish a journal entry so detailed and well thought that you'll put Anne Frank's diary to shame.

Expand those horizons.

Building on Falsa's Character Background

I have this whole idea where 'Falsa's' character is derived from the gene of a serial killer, Oleg Walker. This would have happened when Falsa's mother opted for a sperm donor. Somewhere throughout the process she got a faulty gene when there was a complication with the filtering system, to terminate this gene when it instead was left in the 'approved' section. This went unnoticed and it wasn't until Oleg Walker was arrested when they investigated the whole situation. As for Falsa, she discovers her 'true self' when a heart-to-heart with her 'BFF' turns into strangling and complete confusion. After Falsa explains how she has been feeling to her friend, she surprisingly decides to keep this quiet.

Falsa is known as a player, easy, flirty and a party animal. The HOTTEST guy in high school is Roman, the stereotypical jock. Her friends seem to think that Falsa BELONGS with him but that just proves how little they know her.

Genie

They told her she was useless and wouldn't amount to anything. She always refused. Up until the final point where she took her last stand and let herself fall to the edge.

Xane

A serial killer, tragedy event planner in the making. His mind and emotions are not controlled by him but by the voices of his past and the voices that creep his conscience. His schizophrenia was medicated but that won't stop them yet...it never will. They hunger tragedy and feed off of his violence.

Falsa

She is the loser. Visibly the opposite: social, popular, beautiful and slim. This may look like a typical case but when she's caught home alone at night, a feeling of emptiness and violence eats at her gut and she fights he nightmares that urge her to do terrible deeds. If she is not supervised carefully she may fall quickly. In silence.

Demon of Building Friendships: Exclusivity

It's so ironic how we forget our values within seconds. The most obvious thing to do but for some odd reason you don't do it. Maybe it just isn't important to you. This is so abnormal though, it's coming from the people that you thought would always do what is right and stay loyal.

Exclusivity, my friend.

Friends do not exclude each other unless these are concerns:

• Embarassing
• Humiliating--make fun of you
• Awkward and antisocial
• Opposite to your character
• Attention Grabber (if you don't like them)
• Not close enough to include
• Annoying, interrupt or disturbing

But I don't even fit ANY of those characteristics. So why am I being excluded? Especially from those who actually seem to enjoy being in my presence. I'm talking about people that might even CHERISH every moment they have with me. I just don't understand how they say they have a great time with me--I can see the sincerity in their eyes too--and yet they never reciprocate that. People have a hard time thinking in terms of being considerate. Include people in your lives if they mean something to you. It's the biggest insult to leave someone thinking that you have deceived them.

Your Heart Must Be in Your Bum and Your Brain Must Be Disfunctional

One thing that I hate is that everyone is so quick to jump to say 'I love you'. Even before they know what exactly it means. Maybe those three words are less significant than I always thought. In movies and books, in history it always seemed like the very first 'i love you' was the center point; the climax. Now, those three words are degrading because people throw them around like nothing. Those three words have become almost just as common as saying 'hi.'

Can I cry, honestly? Or would it flood throughout the Earth's land mass and finish it off with splashes of tears and tsunamis of sorrow. Youth is killing me with it's false-hope and manufactured love. No one hardly knows the measure of love and people are hardly aware that maybe what they call love is only lust. The commoner, Lust, is the devil of all relationships and the heart of confusion. It's a betrayal of the heart and mind because it means you're giving in to temptation and letting it brainwash you into thinking you're in love, in seconds. Why don't we ever take the time out to think anymore? We've got all the time in the world so there's no need to be so sure (but really unsure) and butt our head right into it. After all, it takes time to know if you're in the real thing, love isn't just wanting something or someone; it's needing. We misunderstand so well and deny any signs of truth. We're so persistent with getting all that we desire immediately. Getting things quick, never is best; waiting gets you thinking. Can we stop thinking with fantasies and finally picture reality? Lust is getting old.

How can you love someone if they are lying to you excessively? Stupid thing, why do you trust so well that your decision is the right one when you can't even be certain to trust yourself to be enough for someone? If you want someone to love you, first you want someone that will love you for who you are. If you lie to someone just so that they will be impressed because you want them to be more interested, it will come back to you. Lying will break your own heart, because when it comes down to it and you look at it from a broad perspective you realize; that person doesn't love you, they love what you made. You just don't lie or trick good people.

This is what it comes down to:

• Do you want someone to love what isn't real, be in lust, and reel them in quick?

or

• Do you want someone to love you for who you are and wait for them to thoroughly love you?

Wrong.

There is so much I don't get!
Like how I care about people that don't deserve it, How I always say "no, that's wrong" and how I always get involved.
Not anymore. I don't want to help anybody if it makes me look bad. Not that I care about what I look like because I don't care at all. I just don't get why I say anything...
I'm so bad at just being a friend...I always stick my nose into everything and that's not fair.
Let nature take its course for goodness sake! Leave them be...let them learn...and maybe they won't have to learn because they're probably right. I should always know and never try to shake, that I am always wrong.
So what if the mouse wants to cuddle up in the crocodile's sharp jaw...that's not my business because frankly, I shouldn't care and obviously don't.
No. I do care but when I say I don't care i'm wrong anyways so you could figure I'm really saying I do care.

Fine Line

To me
There's a fine line between fantasy and reality. My version of 'fantasy' can be split into two worlds: the part of reality that I just can't get around to believing, somehow it always shocks me and, the full definition of fantasy; imagination at its wildest, dreams of what I wish would be real, my true desires and the calming comfort I save for times when life becomes the bitchiest bitch of all. The fantasy-reality is chaotic because of its sick pleasantness and false-hope it gives which comes after the bait is bitten. In this 'world' everything makes me happy, but it's only temporary and then it fades away as if after knowing I can have something--after experiencing it--it no longer has as much value. When it comes and starts to pass, I think of my hypocrisy. Selfish, it's so silly, all the times I said I wasn't naive and that everyone else was...but sometimes it isn't always about being naive; it's hope. Fiction is just a charade and I hate its beautiful refuge.