Lovely is the Cruel Fleeting Moment, Robbing our Reassurance

It's a sentimental, beautiful and rotten thing, the fragility of life and all the events that twist and turn to mysteriously make or destroy a bond. And what are we people? We're just dolls in a playhouse being tossed, deceived and left abandoned when we're no longer satisfying. Love doesn't often last longer than life, it comes in unpredictable intervals, some lasting longer than at other periods of time. When unpredicatable relationships begin it's beautiful, we both know we're procrastinating its unfortunate end. So then why do we torture ourselves by deceiving our hearts, our emotions, into believing that true love and utter happiness exists and is everlasting? Because we live for those moments. The saddness that follows won't last so long, if you just keep seizing these risky but beautiful moments--the best kind. It's almost divine, that empowering moment when light pours in and fills your cheeks and makes your mind light, senses absorbing a moment of awe.
Finding love, awe, and seizing the day is the most important of things to recognize and demonstrate in life in order to gain happiness.

A Fairytale in the Works

I want to write a fairytale about an old wise man who tells a tale about a fair princess living in a barren land in and abandoned castle, not in a tower but a dungeon. The princess had been falsely accused of being a witch and locked away. The kingdom was burnt to a crisp by the fierce, unbeatable, dragon. The last dragon to exist.

What the reader doesn't find out till the end is that the princess IS the dragon, a curse as the result of the queen and king's greed? Or maybe their cruelty? Or maybe the the King is of royal blood and the queen was the abandoned child of a gypsy who had been cursed with the same misfortune as the most recent princess. Therefore, the Queen's mother, the cursed gypsy, a nomadic immortal, must be reunited with the princess to reverse the curse.

The old man lures princes of every kingdom to their death because they are tricked into believing there is a princess, when really the old man thinks there is just a fierce dragon who kills any man who enters the castle.
So what makes the last prince special enough to not be turned into toast?
A special medallion?
Maybe his ancestor was a great wizard who crafted a stone to protect his kin from the elements
The old wise man has no knowledge of this stone/medallion

Maybe the old wise man was one of the brothers who founded the 12 kingdoms, 12 brothers and a kingdom for each, 8 of the brothers were from the step-mother who was a power-hungry woman driven to conquer all the land. However, her husband, the king, divided the land equally to all 12. She made a pact with her 8 sons while on her death bed that they must succeed in conquering the other kingdoms, the kingdoms which belonged to sons of the king and his previous queen. The old wise man is the last of the 8 sons to conquer the last kingdom.

Hate Myself Inside and Out

Here's a semester, go fourth and learn the history of classical civilizations, study the math which it must've taken scholars over 400 years to develop, oh! And also write a fucking essay for your final drama assignment...isn't that a little much? And I forgot to mention, also read Fifth Business in 3 days whilst also keeping in mind that you have not finished your Hamlet essay or even started reading your book for your ISU where you must analyse your chosen novel using the Jungian and Freudian analysis.

I don't want to go to school, it is literally ruining the whole concept of learning for me.
I can't absorb all of this information in 5 months! It's all too much, and too much stuff I don't even care about! Well, I care about drama and writing for English but other than that...I fucking hate school.
I wish I could just focus on the things that I love to do, maybe I'd be more willing to do well if that were the case. Also, if I had some magical genie who could tell me what the hell I'm good at, what careers I should look into...'cause there is NO ONE in my ENTIRE school of 3200 STUDENTS AND 100 TEACHERS that could help me find my calling. Nope, it's all up to me to do all of this self-discovery AND while I'm juggling the knowledge of the whole world.

I must decide my future in a year. That's fucking ridiculous...not even a year...basically 5 months...
How am I supposed to figure out a blueprint for decades in 5 months?
Just a minute...decades?
That is a scary concept. I'm just beginning; no knowledge of the important things...
Decades from now I'll need to know about how to manage my taxes, bank accounts, a family, a house, an income, a mortgage, my salary, how to pay for my children's education for THEIR futures, my husband and our expenses.
I'm going to want to know how to cook, clean, do handy things for the house/apartment/condo, do the laundry, social skills, drive around places and know how to get there.
I'm freaking out.
I was "freaking-inside" but now...it's out. I'm done, toast! There's no way I'll get into Ryerson for English with my marks! There's no way I'll get a decent job and make a good, comfortable living with whatever job I can get from a Bachelor's degree.

I HATE HOW THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO.
I'm paralyzed because I know I don't want to do math because even when I try to understand it, I rarely understand it enough to do it on my own and even when I do, I can't retain it for very long.
And apparently this is supposed to be the "easy" math, people look at me like i'm a fucking idiot when I don't understand it.
I can't stand myself either now. This whole situation is just making me hate myself more and usually I hate myself for my physical appearance...
Well, now I hate myself inside and out.

Desire

The concept of desire is a tricky subject to understand. What is your perception?  What is a man's perception on the topic of "desire"? You do not usually think of it as a romantic feeling. In the modern world, I find that desire has been reduced to only holding meaning as a feeling associated with a sexual urge or need. What would you like, what do you desire? Is it like yearning? A twitch in your loins?
A straddle, a kiss, a massage, a smoky "number 10" (female) in the backseat of your car in a parking lot late at night (or really early in the morning)? A leather clad woman with no boundaries, no inhibitions and two quick hands and an open, expectant mouth. They say the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. We all desire to be touched and "taken care of" sexually, to experience affection; a physical connection. A trickle down your spine, a powerful gush of emotion provided by another human being; present and dedicated to satisfy you. The attention makes your ego, no, your confidence expand with the most radical elevation of dopa-mine coursing through your body to alleviate your slight insecurity, if only for a night. Oh, but if it were every night...

With Regards To Ignorance

If value was determined by ignorance
then we would all be more meaningful minds
than we ever thought our minds to be
But really, there is value where there is ignorance;
A mind without preconceived notions or any knowledge or understanding
on any specific subject
Is mouldable; maleable for teaching
Fresh learning is more eagerly welcomed...
So, there is value in that, or rather something
a stage before developing full value...
It is potential!
A person may be ignorant, but this should be intriguing to others,
It calls for a strange understood respect--
An opportunity for them, too, to test their knowledge
By spreading it like a pleasent weed.
It is also refreshing to come across
Someone who knows less about a subject that seems ordinary to you.
It is even more impressive, I believe, if a person is very aware of their ignorance;
it expresses a mature level of understanding

But then again, I may not truly know much at all about this whole subject...

--Natalie Klett

Hey you! Yes, I'm talking to you!

Hello readers,
It may be unorthodox to address you in a post but I'm going to keep this brief and try not to be silly with this.
I see you like to read my posts...
Do you like my writing? If so, which form do you enjoy most?
Please do not hesitate to leave a comment under a post because I would appreciate your input!

That's really all,
Thank-you!

Natalie

To Be Queen of Your Thoughts

I’m sorry for the pedestals I placed you all on,

with the utmost unrealistic hope

But I just couldn’t help admiring you, and I made you look like a trophy;

Now, who else would have thought of raising you up

As triumphantly as I did?

Lately your trophy has gone askew

And the statue doesn’t even look like you

It resembles the crumbled face of someone

Whom lost himself to a battle.

So I placed you on the shelf, and you still held importance

I forced your mangled figure onto that shelf

Because you still lingered in my mind.

 I covered you up with books about how I really didn’t care

Books I wrote, forced into a state of emotionlessness—now that’s something we share.

Then one day the light hit my forgotten golden trophy,

So I knocked down the books, I noticed you—the pedestal was gone.

I sighed with relief but it still wasn’t over

I took you outside and I buried you in the deepest hole in the Earth.

The next year came, and I didn’t feel the same, 

My hope was finally set free.

Still, I longed to avenge you, if only to be Queen of your thoughts.

Then I turned to my window and on the ledge I saw

A boy was staring at me.

I felt something rise up from beneath my feet;

My hands and body coated in gold.

It was then I realized what was happening:

The statue on the pedestal…

is now me.

--Natalie Klett

Porcelain

He held her like Porcelain
A placeholder between their fantasy and reality.
He kissed her gently; their lips parting in synchronicity
Soft as petals, of a white rose but
with a passionate urgency that grows.
We're taking our time and neither of us mind
The nights are stretched late; we burn the midnight oil
There still never seems to be enough hours in a day
Hours that could be spent getting to know you,
Allowing you to know me.
Maybe there isn't much to know,
Maybe the drawers of my personality are shallow & plain.
Maybe my need to twist and distort my body to my liking,
in the face of a mirror, is vain.
My face, retouched or un-fussed, is yours to see
To be naked is to allow you to see my thoughts completely,
Pure--this is our most intimate exchange.
Doubt is cast away, conquered by your sentimental recollections;
they reveal your genuine severity to maintain
This tightly woven connection we now sustain.

--Natalie Klett

All of The Things I've Yet to Do

We don't do enough talking. Or it may be just that I don't talk enough. I cared about what you thought before we had begun already; conscious of how I articulated my words, the subjects I spoke about. Then, when we began hanging out regularly I became less concerned about what I talked about because I felt so comfortable in my place with you. In my place with you... That's just it! I'm in my place, where I want to be. But, it just seems that I'm the factor that needs to transform...or to put it gently; shape finely. Ever since I met the group of Extraordinary Musicians, I felt as though I was square peg trying to fit in a circular hole and I kept thinking  I know I'm missing something, I'm able to identify what it is but the only problem is everything is so random and vast that I don't even know how to begin to know all of it. I'm so saddened many nights when I ponder because I realize over again that I haven't done anything to fill my brain with the knowledge it hungers for. I'm too ashamed to ask anyone about it, I want to figure it all out independently. 

I want to learn about philosophy, classical literature, poetry, the history of fine art and music.
I'd love to have a thorough understanding of different eras of history and art, a deep interest in classical music and dissect every style and fact about these famous people until I reduce them to a powdered wig and the tails of a well-made waistcoat. It would be great if I had both the time and money to learn how to cook too: Italian, German, French, Asian...woah. I wish I was fluent in German, Italian and French but I still don't use three quarters of the words that exist in the English language so I should probably get on that too before I learn a whole new language. Musical theory, ear training, vocal training, playing guitar, playing piano, and whatever the heck else God knows i'll want to learn to play. What about writing skills? Yeah, that too. And what about all of the books I'll want to read for pleasure? Oh! But first I have all the books I'll be required to read and reread and study in order to fully, thoroughly obtain the knowledge I seek to gain and will barely absorb after two raw novels about amazing things that people did hundreds of years ago..not did, they accomplished things because they were innovative and I will be sick by the end of it just taking in how inefficient I am as a human being. My contribution is the comfort I provide to other people, the comfort that they will learn and accomplish more than me and that for the day, that should at least keep their ego in ship-shape.

(two part post)

Fiction: Untitled Story (Take 2)

Indee

My perspective of reality seems to be distorted lately. I think it always has been but now it's just very obvious. I think I've over stayed my visit in the metaphysical world. But what if my metaphysical interpretation of reality isn't divided from everyone else's reality? If it makes me happy, isn't it good for me? It's dangerous trying to translate virtual moments into reality because somehow it isn't meant to be exposed. It is kind of incredible in a way how both divided worlds collide sometimes, it's a beautiful thing to be a part of.

She ran through the a deep dark forest where the plants grew wild and the city folk believe that once you enter, you'll never find your way out. The idea may fear a lonely huntsman but for him and her, it was the most desired situation. The two, clueless of eachothers' desires, a curious idea and challenge to enter the unknown, were not concerned of the consequences.

He thrusted back branches and leaves to follow her through the thicket, all was dark and the forest was filled with a cornucopia of nature's sounds and exotic scents. She struggled to rummage through vines only to trip on an old oak's root. Zachariah caught her back before she could touch ground and they locked eyes for a short moment before he let her stand. When they made their way through the vines they reached a breathtaking clearing; a lagoon. The surface of the water was coated with lilypads and waterlilies; nature's natural decorations. She hesitantly walked towards the weeping willows and he followed her into nature's canopy. Dusk was approaching and soon the darkness would fall on them.

"Isn't this amazing?" he broke the silence.
She gazed at the scene before her and sighed, "it's beautiful."
They both sat with their backs rested against an old, hollow log. He looked to her and to his surprise she spoke out again.
"You know, it may be easy for you...but I can't forget what happened between us."
"I didn't."
"But you wish you could." She pulled her legs to her chest.
"And why would you think that? I don't want to forget about that night." He frowned, furrowed his brows trying to figure out the source of these thoughts.
"To me, I guess I just thought given the circumstances that you would want to keep our night of intimacy as a one time thing. So are you telling me you honestly like me?" she looked to him now.
He moved closer to her now. "Why would I be dishonest to someone who is so important to me? Of course I meant it."
"I guess after five nights you can't really call it a one time thing anyways, right?" they both laughed and gazed into eachother's eyes. He pulled her in gently, to rest her head on his chest.
He built them a fire and they remained close together, intently listening to one another's thoughts. Then he held her close and began to caress her sweetly. They stood there cheek to cheek, basking in their own little world. They began to kiss, contrasting her sweet kiss with his passionate urgency. He moved his hands to her waist and she flinched with a giggle as he apologized. She nuzzled his cheek and he firmly forced her hips away from him.
"What are you thinking about?" she said sweetly. He was looking down and she became concerned.
"What's on your mind? Tell me."
He breathed deeply and looked her straight in the eye as he said, "I think I might be falling in love with you."
Her body froze, this was all she ever wanted; all she needed. He face twisted with overwhelmed joy and nearly broke into tears. She didn't know what to say but to curl her fingers in the hair at the back of his head and give him the most passionate, love-filled kiss she had never been able to imagine. 

Fiction: Untitled Story

"You have nothing to worry about," he said as she slouched in the passenger's seat of his car.
She worried anyways, even now as his hand cupped the back of her head in his hand, she felt the chill and overwhelming wave of depression at the thought of what else could go wrong. It felt to her as if something was coming, an apocalypse of suck; a force named Cynthia.

The existence of Cynthia in everyone's lives came abruptly, aggressive, and with the intent of monopolizing nearly all of the important friends Indee had in her life at the time. Indee had a tough start to begin with, if it weren't for her older mentor Zachariah , she would not have began to pursue music. Without him she found no use in asking nor hearing anyone else's opinions, no use in trying. So almost five years have passed since Indee first became acquainted with Zach and in that time Cynthia appeared--a threat to her territory of course--slim, tall, a full knowledge of music and music history, all set to win over any musician within reach. And that's what she did.

Indee

It was naive for me to think my simplicity and mystery would be enough to sustain a healthy connection. It was even more naive of me to think that knowing people for a longer time would deem me significant and immune to being replaced or shafted on the vast list of priorities. I could just visualize it; the moment they hear Cynthia sing with her well-trained--well-paid-for, if you ask me--voice, there would be jaws dropping and grandiose applause and Indee will fall on the list....down to number 19 as Cynthia flaunts her rank as #1 by singing "WOOOONNNN." Because she won. Let's just say she managed to make an extraordinary impression on an unmovable young man whom I had just became closer acquainted with and after they met, it was like it never meant a thing. Like I never meant a thing. I sat back and allowed life to just happen, but maybe this new force isn't the natural course of life, maybe she's the manmade hazard...
I can't be low enough to allow that to comfort me right now; reducing her. No. But this time, I know she can't take away the key that will determine the success of my future:  Zachariah.

Poetry

Late nights and early mornings

you simply can't drop

your eyelids could close

but your brain is fully charged

you feel built backwards

and too many times re-arranged

there are too many differences

you're the only one who's changed

kindly shut the light off please

and muffle the noise

the creaking silence that screws with your mind

and monsters chase from behind

Can't sleep or won't sleep

not enough talk to be silent

so many words to express

and no one to express them too

Plan to win so very modestly

and losing sorely in the night

moths keep no company

holes are too hollow to fill

I can't paste these broken parts

to build my body right to size

it'll cost an arm and a leg

just to get dressed

Stunted Growth...I should really work on that

One can dream, but sometimes when you don't look for it everything unfolds infront of you. Maybe there have been hints in the past but you have been too focused on one event or person. Anything can happen really, that's the beautiful part of life's mystery. We shouldn't be entitled to know, really. Though, I do wish I knew more so I wouldn't feel so dumbfounded in conversation. I keep thinking that one day it'll all just fall into place; I'll look the way I should, I'll be as talented as I and everyone else wished I would be, I would know all of the things I found to be important in knowing, and I'll be with a special someone who would know me beyond all of this, loving me for who I was and who I became. So, although I may come across as irrational and I tend to almost always go against the grain, I feel that as long as I'm happy a little diversity is harmless. No one would believe the amazing story I'm living right now...maybe one day I'll reveal all of it.

This Delicate Distance

Should he break the silence with the smacking of his lips and speak so confidently without a noticeable hesitation, it would please her greatly. He does know when to speak, she realizes he might--as she does--find the silence as a pleasant breath to encourage thought. Are their thoughts similar? Limitations are often her enemy and she faces them willingly always bending and destroying them, she sees them as a threat or infringement on an option she feels she rightfully deserves to have at her disposal. Little does she know that these limitations are present only to serve the purpose of keeping her sanity intact. Maybe if he reached out to her in the shadows of night while no one was around, she would gladly accept. If he reached out to touch her hand just now she wouldn't make a sound, unless in contempt, and smile as though this moment were complete. Just maybe he would take the risk and join her in the mass destruction of limitations and complete all of the moments in the days of a lifetime with her. Such strength and courage does not exist for a reason, just like how a love created by a girl altering time to be with her perfect man would set off the balance of nature and the overall precedent of relationships in society. No, this delicate distance must stay impenetrable. One can only dream.

Rant

I should be sleeping but I choose to think instead. I need to read and write more, sleep deprives me of time, and lack of sleep deprives me from the energy I need to keep up with the fulfilling of the things I have the desire to do with a day. Time doesn't limit me but my fear and doubt limits my motivation. I want to be as well equiped with motivation as any other person, though I suppose it's all in my hands.

I'm a Nut, Here's What is in my Nutty Nutshell

Since I made a Tumblr account I haven't bothered with this blog at all. It's a little sad. Well, the saddest part is that I write these posts as if I'm addressing a mass of people when really I know that isn't the case because I haven't been receiving any comments or interest in my blog from anyone at all. I hoped that by making a blog I would not only get my words out for myself as a strategy for coping but to spread my words to other people beyond my reach. Maybe it's yet to come,  I don't know.


In a nutshell:
My heart has been skimmed and bruised and smacked against a metaphorical pavement
I have not lost weight but probably mildly gained.
My face is still pleasant to look at, alright?
I still write in my journal.
I've written more really cliche songs. Meh, songs regardless.
I'm going to be in grade 12 next year so I am shitting my pants thinking of what the hell I want to do when I get out of this superficial rite of passage in my young adult life.
I do not have a boyfriend, hence the bruising of my heart--boy in plaid did end up with girl-with-frog-in-her-throat. Har har, I predicted it see!
I do have a problem where I fall in like with impossible people. Impossible because I aim for mature guys i'll never be able to be with.
I'm the worst child for my parents cuz I don't like to be told.
I need a job
I enjoy coffee and Mike's hard lemonades way too much. (not mixed together..yuck.)
Fireworks.
Music is my life.
Cottage is my sanctuary.
Keeping myself as busy as possible this summer so I don't have time for feeling sorry or disappointed in myself or missing anyone or being pathetic and feeling lonely. Cause that hole is a shitty one and it's so damn hard to crawl out of cause I hear they gots cookies on the dark side.


Boo hoo skadoo.