Monday, December 17, 2012

Lovely is the Cruel Fleeting Moment, Robbing our Reassurance

It's a sentimental, beautiful and rotten thing, the fragility of life and all the events that twist and turn to mysteriously make or destroy a bond. And what are we people? We're just dolls in a playhouse being tossed, deceived and left abandoned when we're no longer satisfying. Love doesn't often last longer than life, it comes in unpredictable intervals, some lasting longer than at other periods of time. When unpredicatable relationships begin it's beautiful, we both know we're procrastinating its unfortunate end. So then why do we torture ourselves by deceiving our hearts, our emotions, into believing that true love and utter happiness exists and is everlasting? Because we live for those moments. The saddness that follows won't last so long, if you just keep seizing these risky but beautiful moments--the best kind. It's almost divine, that empowering moment when light pours in and fills your cheeks and makes your mind light, senses absorbing a moment of awe.
Finding love, awe, and seizing the day is the most important of things to recognize and demonstrate in life in order to gain happiness.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

A Fairytale in the Works

I want to write a fairytale about an old wise man who tells a tale about a fair princess living in a barren land in and abandoned castle, not in a tower but a dungeon. The princess had been falsely accused of being a witch and locked away. The kingdom was burnt to a crisp by the fierce, unbeatable, dragon. The last dragon to exist.

What the reader doesn't find out till the end is that the princess IS the dragon, a curse as the result of the queen and king's greed? Or maybe their cruelty? Or maybe the the King is of royal blood and the queen was the abandoned child of a gypsy who had been cursed with the same misfortune as the most recent princess. Therefore, the Queen's mother, the cursed gypsy, a nomadic immortal, must be reunited with the princess to reverse the curse.

The old man lures princes of every kingdom to their death because they are tricked into believing there is a princess, when really the old man thinks there is just a fierce dragon who kills any man who enters the castle.
So what makes the last prince special enough to not be turned into toast?
A special medallion?
Maybe his ancestor was a great wizard who crafted a stone to protect his kin from the elements
The old wise man has no knowledge of this stone/medallion

Maybe the old wise man was one of the brothers who founded the 12 kingdoms, 12 brothers and a kingdom for each, 8 of the brothers were from the step-mother who was a power-hungry woman driven to conquer all the land. However, her husband, the king, divided the land equally to all 12. She made a pact with her 8 sons while on her death bed that they must succeed in conquering the other kingdoms, the kingdoms which belonged to sons of the king and his previous queen. The old wise man is the last of the 8 sons to conquer the last kingdom.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Hate Myself Inside and Out

Here's a semester, go fourth and learn the history of classical civilizations, study the math which it must've taken scholars over 400 years to develop, oh! And also write a fucking essay for your final drama assignment...isn't that a little much? And I forgot to mention, also read Fifth Business in 3 days whilst also keeping in mind that you have not finished your Hamlet essay or even started reading your book for your ISU where you must analyse your chosen novel using the Jungian and Freudian analysis.

I don't want to go to school, it is literally ruining the whole concept of learning for me.
I can't absorb all of this information in 5 months! It's all too much, and too much stuff I don't even care about! Well, I care about drama and writing for English but other than that...I fucking hate school.
I wish I could just focus on the things that I love to do, maybe I'd be more willing to do well if that were the case. Also, if I had some magical genie who could tell me what the hell I'm good at, what careers I should look into...'cause there is NO ONE in my ENTIRE school of 3200 STUDENTS AND 100 TEACHERS that could help me find my calling. Nope, it's all up to me to do all of this self-discovery AND while I'm juggling the knowledge of the whole world.

I must decide my future in a year. That's fucking ridiculous...not even a year...basically 5 months...
How am I supposed to figure out a blueprint for decades in 5 months?
Just a minute...decades?
That is a scary concept. I'm just beginning; no knowledge of the important things...
Decades from now I'll need to know about how to manage my taxes, bank accounts, a family, a house, an income, a mortgage, my salary, how to pay for my children's education for THEIR futures, my husband and our expenses.
I'm going to want to know how to cook, clean, do handy things for the house/apartment/condo, do the laundry, social skills, drive around places and know how to get there.
I'm freaking out.
I was "freaking-inside" but's out. I'm done, toast! There's no way I'll get into Ryerson for English with my marks! There's no way I'll get a decent job and make a good, comfortable living with whatever job I can get from a Bachelor's degree.

I'm paralyzed because I know I don't want to do math because even when I try to understand it, I rarely understand it enough to do it on my own and even when I do, I can't retain it for very long.
And apparently this is supposed to be the "easy" math, people look at me like i'm a fucking idiot when I don't understand it.
I can't stand myself either now. This whole situation is just making me hate myself more and usually I hate myself for my physical appearance...
Well, now I hate myself inside and out.