All of The Things I've Yet to Do

We don't do enough talking. Or it may be just that I don't talk enough. I cared about what you thought before we had begun already; conscious of how I articulated my words, the subjects I spoke about. Then, when we began hanging out regularly I became less concerned about what I talked about because I felt so comfortable in my place with you. In my place with you... That's just it! I'm in my place, where I want to be. But, it just seems that I'm the factor that needs to transform...or to put it gently; shape finely. Ever since I met the group of Extraordinary Musicians, I felt as though I was square peg trying to fit in a circular hole and I kept thinking  I know I'm missing something, I'm able to identify what it is but the only problem is everything is so random and vast that I don't even know how to begin to know all of it. I'm so saddened many nights when I ponder because I realize over again that I haven't done anything to fill my brain with the knowledge it hungers for. I'm too ashamed to ask anyone about it, I want to figure it all out independently. 

I want to learn about philosophy, classical literature, poetry, the history of fine art and music.
I'd love to have a thorough understanding of different eras of history and art, a deep interest in classical music and dissect every style and fact about these famous people until I reduce them to a powdered wig and the tails of a well-made waistcoat. It would be great if I had both the time and money to learn how to cook too: Italian, German, French, Asian...woah. I wish I was fluent in German, Italian and French but I still don't use three quarters of the words that exist in the English language so I should probably get on that too before I learn a whole new language. Musical theory, ear training, vocal training, playing guitar, playing piano, and whatever the heck else God knows i'll want to learn to play. What about writing skills? Yeah, that too. And what about all of the books I'll want to read for pleasure? Oh! But first I have all the books I'll be required to read and reread and study in order to fully, thoroughly obtain the knowledge I seek to gain and will barely absorb after two raw novels about amazing things that people did hundreds of years ago..not did, they accomplished things because they were innovative and I will be sick by the end of it just taking in how inefficient I am as a human being. My contribution is the comfort I provide to other people, the comfort that they will learn and accomplish more than me and that for the day, that should at least keep their ego in ship-shape.

(two part post)