Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Hurt and Losing my mind

It all seems to have healed until you're up at 2:30 in the morning. The hurt sets in again in that moment when you're caught alone, caught reflecting. I was thinking about going to the dentist, thinking about buying new jeans or writing a new song and then there you were...hurt. I panicked a bit as I felt the tears come through. I thought no, I'm not sad enough to cry but then I remembered it all. You're hurt because he won't let you be any other way, and you try to move on. You see other people, kiss other people, learn to play pool with another guy, spend Valentine's Day occupied with another guy but the hurt still seeps through ruining all the joy and relief. I felt relief not having you around to add more injury to the already gaping hole where love and care and trust used to live. I have trouble trusting men, and I had trouble trusting you. You stole from me--you blatantly asked for my full trust and I fell into you and you let me drop. I dropped so far from where I started. I should've just let you pass me by, should've told you to "shut up" when you first said you were falling in love with me so many years ago. My love gave you youth, another chance to rejuvenate--your love aged me, contorted what I believed love and respect to be and wore me down. What did you actually give?

How can I be okay when I'm wronged and left for dead? Left to feel it all AGAIN, like it has always been.
The damage cuts so deep that I have to ASK people if I actually deserve better and most of the time they tell me to stop giving you any credit, the minimal credit I already give to you.

I'm going to find someone someday who will actually treat me well.

I will get back at you for this in the best way...
I will become my best self.
Since you will not give me the peace I need I will have to find it within myself, as hard as it is since I carry anger toward you.

Since you've been gone I've realized:

1. I'm more confident in myself now
You didn't appreciate me really. Now that I'm free to new people, I'm learning that I don't really have to try to evoke compliments. My perception was so perverted when I was with you that I convinced myself I wasn't the type of girl to illicit compliments from men. I thought I needed to change my body or demeanour but I just don't.

2. My care is better spent on other people who reciprocate it so much better, and I don't even have to have as much history with them as I did with you.
I love my friends and I'd rather spend my time caring for them because they're not selfish but rather considerate and understanding.

3. I don't need to defend you anymore.
You never reflected on your wrong doing and apologized to me, whereas I did. I don't have to tell the friends you haven't seen or worked with in ages why you haven't responded to them because the truth is you don't care. You weren't considerate to those valued friends, and you weren't considerate to me.

4. You used your parents' divorce and your young failures as a crutch--and I went with it.
I sympathized with you all the way. When you broke down when I was handing the truth to you and voicing my feelings about your misbehaviour as a boyfriend, I paused my emotions for the sake of yours. It wasn't noble of me because every time I did that I turned away from myself. You need to realize that it isn't okay to always use those events as an excuse for your wrongdoings in a relationship, you're giving yourself permission to continue to make the same mistakes without developing into a healthy person.

5. You weren't interested in growing with me.
You may think that since you're much older than me that you were done growing and I was the only one left to grow or catch up. The truth is I've grown up more than you have in a few ways. You need to get off your high horse "rockstar" mentality and grow up! During that process...stop hurting people! It's not that hard to say "I'm going through some stuff right now so I think it's best we stay purely just friends". Take an oath of abstinence. You owe it to me and to potential women you could deceive, asshole. You didn't have a relationship mentality when we were together, as though you're meant to have casual relationships or non-monogamous ones. You freaked out at the thought of anything remotely indicative of commitment. You wanted me at arms length and now you've got what you wanted and then some.

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