Stunted Growth...I should really work on that

One can dream, but sometimes when you don't look for it everything unfolds infront of you. Maybe there have been hints in the past but you have been too focused on one event or person. Anything can happen really, that's the beautiful part of life's mystery. We shouldn't be entitled to know, really. Though, I do wish I knew more so I wouldn't feel so dumbfounded in conversation. I keep thinking that one day it'll all just fall into place; I'll look the way I should, I'll be as talented as I and everyone else wished I would be, I would know all of the things I found to be important in knowing, and I'll be with a special someone who would know me beyond all of this, loving me for who I was and who I became. So, although I may come across as irrational and I tend to almost always go against the grain, I feel that as long as I'm happy a little diversity is harmless. No one would believe the amazing story I'm living right now...maybe one day I'll reveal all of it.

This Delicate Distance

Should he break the silence with the smacking of his lips and speak so confidently without a noticeable hesitation, it would please her greatly. He does know when to speak, she realizes he might--as she does--find the silence as a pleasant breath to encourage thought. Are their thoughts similar? Limitations are often her enemy and she faces them willingly always bending and destroying them, she sees them as a threat or infringement on an option she feels she rightfully deserves to have at her disposal. Little does she know that these limitations are present only to serve the purpose of keeping her sanity intact. Maybe if he reached out to her in the shadows of night while no one was around, she would gladly accept. If he reached out to touch her hand just now she wouldn't make a sound, unless in contempt, and smile as though this moment were complete. Just maybe he would take the risk and join her in the mass destruction of limitations and complete all of the moments in the days of a lifetime with her. Such strength and courage does not exist for a reason, just like how a love created by a girl altering time to be with her perfect man would set off the balance of nature and the overall precedent of relationships in society. No, this delicate distance must stay impenetrable. One can only dream.

Rant

I should be sleeping but I choose to think instead. I need to read and write more, sleep deprives me of time, and lack of sleep deprives me from the energy I need to keep up with the fulfilling of the things I have the desire to do with a day. Time doesn't limit me but my fear and doubt limits my motivation. I want to be as well equiped with motivation as any other person, though I suppose it's all in my hands.

I'm a Nut, Here's What is in my Nutty Nutshell

Since I made a Tumblr account I haven't bothered with this blog at all. It's a little sad. Well, the saddest part is that I write these posts as if I'm addressing a mass of people when really I know that isn't the case because I haven't been receiving any comments or interest in my blog from anyone at all. I hoped that by making a blog I would not only get my words out for myself as a strategy for coping but to spread my words to other people beyond my reach. Maybe it's yet to come,  I don't know.


In a nutshell:
My heart has been skimmed and bruised and smacked against a metaphorical pavement
I have not lost weight but probably mildly gained.
My face is still pleasant to look at, alright?
I still write in my journal.
I've written more really cliche songs. Meh, songs regardless.
I'm going to be in grade 12 next year so I am shitting my pants thinking of what the hell I want to do when I get out of this superficial rite of passage in my young adult life.
I do not have a boyfriend, hence the bruising of my heart--boy in plaid did end up with girl-with-frog-in-her-throat. Har har, I predicted it see!
I do have a problem where I fall in like with impossible people. Impossible because I aim for mature guys i'll never be able to be with.
I'm the worst child for my parents cuz I don't like to be told.
I need a job
I enjoy coffee and Mike's hard lemonades way too much. (not mixed together..yuck.)
Fireworks.
Music is my life.
Cottage is my sanctuary.
Keeping myself as busy as possible this summer so I don't have time for feeling sorry or disappointed in myself or missing anyone or being pathetic and feeling lonely. Cause that hole is a shitty one and it's so damn hard to crawl out of cause I hear they gots cookies on the dark side.


Boo hoo skadoo.

Two Poems...if you can call them poems?

Complexly Practical

Carry me further into the forest this time, so i won't come. i won't return at the sound of your whistle. No i won't be seen again.

Carry me away so that I am lost, can't and won't be found.

It's so dark now, that's just what it should be till the light sheds on me and warmth makes me shiver.

This sweetness is scary, so cold to the touch. I don't want to know it, i hate you so much.

You took away dreams in a day, in a night. The deal was closed with your getaway flight.

I'm not sane, i know. Nor am I crazy.

I may be out of my mind, but i'm at least in yours.

Chores, you began to pile up in my mind like dirty laundry

and my spine became rubber with every sting.

You were the bee, not anymore..

Ha-ha, because I can only hurt myself now

With my words and my glare...

As I used to stare at myself in a mirror.

Now I look at my reflection only from the still water in a river.

It plays tricks; tells me i'm well, i'm changed.

Silly, the horns have not left sight nor have I loosened my fists

since my last fight.

There's no reason to, no sign of surrender.

You don't understand, i'm sensitive...

remember?

Oh, sweet dear. I have lost my marbles

but thank God, I never thought they exist---ed.

Slow--ing my speech now. you're out of re---ach now.

I think, i'm becoming blind.

Or maybe i've always been.

And everything in my life has been perceived

like I'm in a dream.

And we're all lucid.

Fate Games

It carries us all, it carries us all

and fools us often

Then we fall

It plants choices, in silver shells

we turn one over

we hear the bells

sweet sound, bad reminder

wrong decisions looking kinder

taking steps down a path

once a year do the math

don't count your days altogether

death tickles, like a feather

with sugar coating

Art Like You

he's just a boy

slight curls

simply dressed

mind full of stress

careful steps

doesn't start nor does he end

never bothers to defend

carries on, no damn hurray

much too tired and stressed to play

his petals wear and tear at ends

will he walk tomorrow, it depends

if his body gives in, I pray for his soul

he has a heart, somewhere there's a hole

I tend to notice mistakes

but he passes by me without a trace

nothing to correct, nothing to address

no reason to dislike, a reason to stress

A great mind in you

from what you have shown

a perspective of change too

great nights alone

are you in love with that thin sensation

does she hold you in her place

confident with conversation

kissing that shy expression off your face

im just a push away

a distance you made

weak muscled arm

i helped you do harm

to myself for your support

without a retort

only love would be powerful enough

to stay away, long, in agony

and never speak of just how tough...

cover myself in shades of ebony

I'd be anything

to be with you.

Do anything

to be art...

like you.

Tribute to Bearded Boy Clad with Plaid

These Are Your Clouds

i was asleep when a voice whispered into my ear

"though you sleep, you live within others. For you live on in their thoughts."

Astounding discovery, indeed.

Because though I sleep, in other worlds it is not yet night and they are not yet sleeping.

There are people who have met you, all around the world. They dream of you while they are awake and think of you often while on the other end of the world you are sleeping and subconsciously wondering if they are thinking of you.

Though you sleep, you are still thinking.

Your subconscious pours out your inner most precious thoughts, and they live on through you as well.

It's much more like a movie...circling your mind...thinking up the scenarios to however you want them to be.

It's fine tuning and you're filling all the blanks carefully.

But there is a glitch for you, you know the way you picture things to be would not be true. Things could never go as you planned them out.

You can't map out others' thoughts any more than you can make decisions for others.

But sometimes it's okay to dream it.

And dream a thousand times of those who are out of reach...

whether in physical distance...or socially.

Just remember, with everyone you meet; a piece of you is given.

It's beautiful because they carry on with different aspects of you; different angles unique but sometimes the same.

That's my way of rationalizing it.